19

I’m sitting here with a knot in my stomach

Churning, swirling, I feel like hurling

Thinking back to all those years ago

Two years from now, I’ll be the age you were when you met me

And I can’t even imagine

Making any of the choices that you did

How can a person at this age think that it’s okay

To take advantage of someone so young

You’re so fucking selfish

And small

When you’re 19, you have no idea

You think you’re old and wise

But you’re so young

There is so much you don’t know

That you don’t know, yet

You believe people when they say,

“Age is just a number.”

No, it’s not.

But now I’m just a number.

A sliver of the statistic,

Of people who fell

For people like you.

I look back now, on all of the warnings

The people who told me to

Stay away from you

They told me that I couldn’t understand, at 19,

Why it was wrong for you to chase me

I looked them in the eyes, and told them

They were wrong about you

I thought that they were old and dated,

Their ideas ignorant and antiquated

Rolled my eyes, and felt defensive

How could they possibly know,

When they don’t know us?

You told my mother you were harmless

You fucking liar

I’d love to set your pants on fire

And watch you writhe

In agony

I hate the things you did to me

I hate more that I let them happen

How did you see me?

A delicious, juicy, forbidden morsel,

Easy prey?

A unicorn that you could cut the horn from,

And keep the magic for yourself,

All the while saying,

“Isn’t this white horse majestic?

She’s so beautiful running free,

I think I’ll show her I’m not a threat

So that she keeps coming back to me.”

You told me I was a pretty girl

And fed me carrots

You told me there was no one else like me

You gave me undivided attention, and love,

You put your little bit in my mouth

And tamed me

And broke me

Then you rode me all around

Like the trophy pony that you made me

You sat upon my back,

Loving how I elevated you

And you used me.

You convinced everyone how great we were together,

Including me,

And so I told them that I loved it

They clutched their hearts at what a good person you were,

For how you were always making amends

So, so many amends;

Collecting forgiveness

From all your past wrongs

And showing us all how much you’d grown.

“What an admirable person.”

And they oohed and ahhed and clapped

At what a funny, charming man you are

And you tricked me into thinking that

Your cage was the only safe place for me.

Then, when no one else was watching,

You whipped me with your words

You made me know my place,

You told me that you were the man, the master

And you knew what was best for me

It was your job to teach me, to train me.

You bound me and told me it was for my own good

And fed me tasty treats

When I was a good little girl

And did all the things you asked of me;

Which was impossible to do all the time.

And every time I failed, you’d chastise me

And point your finger away, and say,

“Why don’t you just go? Just leave,

Just run away, little bitty pony,”

Knowing full well that you’d made me afraid

Of the big, bad world

In which I used to run free.

And if I ever did decide to

Take up with the unknown,

To muster up the strength that made you

Covet me in the first place,

You’d see my silhouette abating

And realize you’d taken it too far

You’d rush to my side

And lay your heavy hands upon my mane

And sh-sh-shhh away

Any quavering gumption

Til it smoldered and smoked to silence

And I remembered that I could just

Be safe inside your cage.

Then I’d collapse from exhaustion.

Then you’d call me your princess,

And buy me things I told you that

I didn’t even want.

You never listened to me.

All the times I told you no,

You just ignored me, and raced me harder

Til we were seconds away from crashing

And my life flashed before my eyes

And I told you I’d throw you for good if you ever did that again.

Then you’d ride me

And ride me, and ride me

Even when I didn’t want to

And I kept telling you that

You were hurting me

Yet you told me sh-sh-shhh

That I was ruining the ride

I was making it no fun for you

Without a single thought to the fact that

My ride was ruined long ago.

And you hurt me,

And you hurt me, and you hurt me.

And I hate you,

And I hate me,

For letting you hurt me.

And it wasn’t until that time when

You had ridden me to the ground

And I was so broken

That I couldn’t stand,

And you had to take me to the vet

Amidst my winces and whimpers

That you finally listened to me

When I told you to stop.

What kind of a person

Is even capable of this horse shit?

You were a cruel master

And I hate

That I let you break me.

I hate that I let you

Make me believe

That I needed you.

And I hate

You.

You stole my youth,

Then kept me caged within it

And convinced me it was my fault.

I can’t believe I gave you

Six of the healthiest years of my life

My energy, my love,

My loyalty

Until you accused me so many times

Of disloyalty

That I did it, just to make you hate me

In hopes that you’d finally let me go

But instead you just pulled me closer

And shamed me harder.

All I wanted

Was to get away from you.

Thank my broken spirit that I finally did.

It took everything that I had

To leave you.

Everything.

Then it wasn’t very long before

I finally felt the wind in my face again,

And the lightness of no saddle on my back

And remembered that freedom

Was not death.

But it took much longer

Before I finally realized

Exactly what you did to me

How you twisted me

How you warped my perceptions

And changed me.

And here I am - 

Almost twice the age I was

When you saw a shiny unicorn

That you wanted for your own

And pieces of me are still

Fucking

Broken.

But I am so much stronger

Than I ever was

And shrewder

I grew my horn back

And now I know how to use it.

I know the magic that I possess,

That you tried to steal from me,

And harness for yourself.

I know what I am capable of.

And you’re just a sad, pathetic

Little old man

Shriveling towards a grave

Probably still going around,

Making amends;

So many amends

Collecting forgivenesses

With which to pat yourself on the back.

And you will never,

Ever,

Have mine.

I doubt that you are sorry,

But I sincerely hope you are.

I hope you have to live with the guilt

Of what you did to me,

Until the day you die.

Because you do not deserve

My forgiveness.

I have moved on to a new life

And have grown so far beyond

My little girl hopes and dreams

Into a woman that I am proud to be

And the scars you left

Are slowly healing

And I am thankful for the wisdom

That I gained from being beaten down

So early in my life.

You made me hard, and thicker-skinned

And wary of everyone,

And I thank you for that gift.

And no, I would not be who I am today,

Without the things you did to me.

So thank you for that.

But also,

Fuck you.

Before the Bend

Before the bend

You are steadfast,

Sure,

Steady.

You stand armored

In certainty;

It shields you from

Discomfort,

Dissuading static.

You've yet to face

The icy shatter,

Reality unraveling.

That solid place

Feels safe; that

Canopied illusion.

Stalwart,

Anchored,

Free.

And then it all

Crumbles,

Crashes, Dissolves,

Into dissolution, disarray.

The curtain flaps

And falls,

Flaccid,

Final.

And meaning

Mourns itself

For what it might have been

If all had remained

Unbroken.

A story so vivid,

A feeling so real

All revealed now

To be a hollow, haunted

Entertainment,

Distraction,

Lie.

And what is left

But what is bent

And broken?

And how do you

Begin

To build anew,

To flesh a new

Foundation

When creation

Itself

Is an illusion?

How do you not

Clutch, or care

Or cry

When everything

Is nothing

But a lie?

The Subtle Light of Fall

You know how the light changes in the fall? It gets a more golden-y, warm hue that can't help but induce feelings of pumpkins on doorsteps and baked squash and nostalgia for the simplest of things.

For me it feels more and more like things that are farther and farther away. Life has grown darker, harder, and infinitely more complex than I would have wished for (and still have mixed feelings about.) The complexity brings a richness and a depth of understanding that could never have been found inside of the worlds that I used to live in. And that complexity is tangled with a pain and sorrow and a struggle to know what to do with the way that life has changed.

Walking through the woods, I'm noticing just the subtlest, faintest tint of that familiar fall warmth. It still feels mostly like summer, and many people outside probably don't see that shift just yet, but I do. I'm sensitive to those subtleties. Especially when they sadden me. The simple things that I search for in that light, that I long for to soothe me, feel out of reach.

There are new joys, new comforts, new mountains to climb and things to learn. Yet I realize that life has definitively turned the page on a chapter that I hadn't realized yet I wasn't quite ready to finish. I feel sad inside for that nostalgia.

But I am not in yesterday. Not anymore. There is only one direction to move, and that is forward.

Maybe in letting go of the things that I want to hang on to, the change doesn't have to feel quite so bad.